My purpose for including humor in the pages of this website, is to give those who desire it, a reason to laugh at themselves and foibles of others, knowing that a merry heart does one good. I am convinced that our Father must get a good laugh at the harmless antics of His children sometimes.

 


 

7
 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
​ . . . ​

#1...A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked sarcastically, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'  



#2...A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
 
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

 
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

 
#3...ASundayschool teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
 
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

 
 
#4...One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
 
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

 
#5...Thechildren had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
 
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

 
#6...A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
 
'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
 
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet aren't empty.'

 
 
#7...The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
 
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
 

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching the apples.'

 

 


Retired Person's Perspective

A FEW MUSINGS FROM “THE HOME”

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.  I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.  If they are holding a gun, she's probably hacked off!

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met?  That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day.  Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.  If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Politicians just abuse the privilege.

  God Bless America!

 


Subject: Tertiary studies just for men

Yeah, I had to look that word up!  Tertiary - relating to or denoting education at a level beyond that provided by schools, especially that provided by a college or university.

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
OPEN TO MEN ONLY
ALL ARE WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.  The course covers two days and topics covered in this course include the following:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation.

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

DISHES & SILVERWARE
Do they levitate/fly to kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups.

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place, instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. 

DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS…..DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play.

HEALTH WATCH.  BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint presentation.

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonial from the one man who did.

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

LIVING WITH ADULTS.  BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE.
Online class and role playing.

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

GETTING OVER IT, LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counselors available.

 

 

 


GOD & LAWN CARE
You should chuckle as you read this ..... Because as stupid as it may sound,this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank,  You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?  What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
 
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

 

 


“It All Depends On Where You Live”

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists report a finding of 200-year-old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

 

One week later, a local newspaper in Kerrville, Texas, reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Comfort, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless.”

 

Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whiskey.

Here's how he answered:
---------
"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; If you mean that evil drink that topples men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being."
 
"However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows  get
together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; If you mean good cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; If you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; If you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation... Then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it..!!! "This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of  principle.!!!"
 

A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel. As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
 
For example, was the fellow religious in life? No? The guardian angel told him that's bad.
 
Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities? No? The guardian angel told him that that too was bad.
 
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? The guardian angel was becoming concerned.
 
Exasperated, the angel says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" 
 
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
 
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". 
 
"Wow", said the angel, "That's actually very impressive. When did this happen"? 
 
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

 

 


TRUTH FOR MATURE HUMAN BEINGS

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
(Ladies.....Quit Laughing.)

 


Regardless of your religious affiliation, you've got to love this!

 

http://

 

A US Marine enters the Catholic Church confessional booth in Jacksonville, FL.

He tells the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night I beat the crap out of a flag burner and an Obama supporter."

The priest says, "My son, I am here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."

 

 

 

 


Ole & Lars Getting a Good Deal...

 

Ole and Lars are walking down a street in Ashland, WI, when they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, and trousers $2.50 per pair."

 

Ole says to his pal Lars, "Looky dar, Lars! We could buy a whole gob of dese, take 'em back ta Dulut, sell 'em to our friends, 'n make a fortune. Now ven ve go in der, you be quiet, okay? Yust let me do da talkin cuz if dey hear yur accent, dey might tink ve're ignorant 'n try to cheat us. No vay dey'll know ve're from Minnesota.

 

They go in and Ole says with his best "Visconsin" accent, "I'll take 50 of doze suits at $5.00 each, 100 of doze shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of da trousers at $2.50
each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

 

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Minnesota, ain't you?"

 

"Vell...yeah," says a surprised Ole. "How'd ya know dat?"


"Because this is a Dry Cleaners!"

 

 

 

 


An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. "We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

Three old ladies were discussing the trials and tribulations of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. They went right though it. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red and was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, the light was definitely red, and sure enough, they went right through again. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my, am I driving?"

An old fellow fell in love with a lady. He got down on his knees and told her there were two things he would like to ask her. She replied, "OK." He said, "Will you marry me?" She replied, "Yes," then asked what his second question was. He replied, "Will you help me up?"

You're over the hill when your back goes out more than you do.

Reporter: "So you are 100 years old. How did you manage to live so long?" Old man: "Well, son, I got married when I was 21. The wife and I decided that if we had arguments, the loser would take a long walk to get over being mad. I suppose I have been benefitted most by 79 years of fresh air."

Growing older is merely a matter of feeling your corns rather than feeling your oats.

As the waitress served the elderly couple, she noticed something very unusual. The man began to eat his meal while his wife stared patiently out the window. "Is there something wrong with your food?" the waitress asked the lady. "No, the food looks great," she replied. "Aren't you afraid your food will get cold if you wait much longer to eat?" the waitress queried further. "Oh," the lady replied, "that's all right." "Well aren't you hungry?" the waitress finally asked. "I sure am," the lady replied. "I'm just waiting until my husband gets through with the teeth."

You're getting old when there's no question in your mind that there's no question in your mind.

An elderly woman was telling her daughter about a date with a 90-year-old man. "Believe it or not, I had to slap his face three times!" said the woman. "Do you mean that old man got fresh with you?" the daughter asked in disgust. "Oh, no!" her mother explained, "I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake”.

 

 

 


ARKANSAS FARM KID in the Marines  (PARIS ISLAND MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING )

  Dear Ma and Pa,

  I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
  Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

  I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till
  nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell
  Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

  Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

  Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal,
  eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

  We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

  The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The
  Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

  This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
  getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

  Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

  Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

  Your loving daughter,

  Alice

 


These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 

2. I would not allow this student to breed. 

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...) 

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 

7. This child has been working with glue too much. 

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.. 

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. 

The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." 

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." 

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." 

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT) 

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"(MY FAVORITE) 

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." 

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." 

 (National Crime Information Center) 

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." 

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." 

 AND THE WINNER IS.... 

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."



 
"Socialism only works
in two places:
Heaven where they don't
need it and hell where they already have it."
-Ronald Reagan   
 
'Here's my strategy on
the Cold War:
We win, they lose.'
- Ronald Reagan
 
'The most terrifying words
In the English language are:
I'm from the government
and I'm here to help.'
-Ronald Reagan
 
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant; it's just that they know so much that isn't so.'
-Ronald Reagan
 
'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the  U.S. was too strong.
- Ronald Reagan

'I have wondered at
times about what the
Ten Commandments would
have looked like if Moses
had run them through
the U.S. Congress.
-Ronald Reagan

'The taxpayer:
That's someone who works
for the federal government
but doesn't have to take the
civil service examination.'
- Ronald Reagan

'Government is like a baby:
An alimentary canal with a
big appetite at one end and
no sense of responsibility
at the other.'
- Ronald Reagan

'The nearest thing to eternal
life we will ever see on
this earth is a
government program.'   
- Ronald Reagan

'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession.
I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.'
- Ronald Reagan

'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving,
subsidize it.'
- Ronald Reagan

'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed,
there are many rewards;
if you disgrace yourself,
you can always write a book.'
- Ronald Reagan

'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
- Ronald Reagan

'If we ever forget that we're one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under.'
-Ronald Reagan
 
IF YOU AGREE, PLEASE FORWARD   
 
IF NOT, READ IT AGAIN.
 
 
 
 
 

Subject: Funny
 














 

 

 


WORDS AND PHRASES REMIND US OF THE WAY WE WORD*
by Richard Lederer
 
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included "Don't touch that dial," "Carbon copy," "You sound like a broken record" and "Hung out to dry."

A bevy of readers have asked me to shine light on more faded words and expressions, and I am happy to oblige:

Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker and straighten up and fly right.

Hubba-hubba!

We'd cut a rug in some juke joint and then go necking and petting and smooching and spooning and billing and cooing and pitching woo in hot rods and jalopies in some passion pit or on lovers lane.

Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy moley! We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop, or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell?

Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys, and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers. Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.

Like Washington Irving's Rip Van Winkle and Kurt Vonnegut's Billy Pilgrim, we have become unstuck in time. We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, I'll be a monkey's uncle! or This is a fine kettle of fish! we discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, poof, poof go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind.

We blink, and they're gone, evanesced from the landscape and word-scape of our perception, like Mickey Mouse wristwatches, hula hoops, skate keys, candy cigarettes, little wax bottles of colored sugar water, and an organ grinders monkey.

Where have all those phrases gone? Long time passing. Where have all those phrases gone?

Long time ago: Pshaw. The milkman did it. Think about the starving Armenians.

Bigger than a bread box. Banned in Boston. The very idea! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper.

Turn-of-the-century. Iron curtain. Domino theory. Fail safe. Civil defense. Fiddlesticks!

You look like the wreck of the Hesperus. Do you have Cooties? Your Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers.

Don't take any wooden nickels. Heavens to Murgatroy! And awa-a-ay we go!

Oh, my stars and garters!

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter had liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff, this winking out of the words of our youth, these words that lodge in our heart's deep core. But just as one never steps into the same river twice, one cannot step into the same language twice. Even as one enters, words are swept downstream into the past, forever making a different river.

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeful times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging. We can have archaic and eat it, too.

See ya later, alligator!

 

 


Priceless!

God's Wife
IT WILL KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF

I especially liked number 5!

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest

was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

1. A four-year-old child, whose next door
neighbor was an elderly gentleman,

who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old
Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said

to the neighbor, the little boy just said,

'Nothing, I just Helped him cry.'

*********************************************

2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
discussing a picture of a family. One little boy

in the picture had a different hair color

than the other members. One of her
students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about
Adoption, I was adopted..'

'What does it mean to be adopted?',

asked another child.

'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'

************************ *********************

3. On my way home one day, I stopped to
watch a Little League baseball game that was

being played in a park near my home.

As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
base line, I asked one of the boys what the score

was? 'We're behind 14 to nothing,'

he answered with a smile.

'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you
don't look very discouraged.'

'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
Puzzled look on his face...

'Why should we be discouraged?

We haven't been up to bat yet.'

*********************** **********************

4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in the
school play. His mother told me that

he'd set his heart on being in it,

though she feared he would not be chosen..

On the day the parts were awarded, I went
with her to collect him after school.

Jamie rushed up to her,
eyes shining with pride and excitement..

'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted,

and then said those words that will remain a lesson to
me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'

*********************************************

5. An eye witness account from New York
City , on a cold day in December,
some years ago: A little boy,
about 10-years-old, was standing before

a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted,

peering through the window, and shivering
With cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes,' was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store,

and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks
for the boy. She then asked if he could give her

a basin of water and a towel.

He quickly brought them to her.

She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves,

knelt down, washed his little feet,

and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks..

Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him
a pair of shoes..

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head

and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid
caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face,

with tears in his eyes, asked her:


'Are you God's wife?'

 


HOW GOD CREATED TEXANS 

 

When God created the world for human kind to prosper & multiply, He decided to give each group two (2) virtues.

As an example, He made the Japanese patient & hardworking,

He made the Germans tenacious & studious,

He made the Americans organized & pragmatic, 
And, so on.....................

When GOD considered Texans, He told the record-keeping angel, "Texans are going to be intelligent, honest, & democrats."

When GOD finished creating the world, the angel noticed that GOD had given every group two (2) virtues except the Texans, who had received three.

The angel thought that this would give the Texans an unfair advantage over the other groups of human beings.  He pointed this out to GOD.

GOD said, "Oh, my goodness, you are certainly right, but since virtues given by GOD cannot be changed nor rescinded, We shall do the following:

From now on, Texans will keep three (3) virtues, however, they can only use two (2) at a time."

This dictum explains why:

A Texan, who is a democrat & honest, cannot be intelligent.

A Texan, who is intelligent & democrat, cannot be honest.

AND A TEXAN, WHO IS INTELLIGENT & HONEST, CAN NEVER BE A DEMOCRAT!!!

This explains clearly why most Texans are REPUBLICANS!

 


Getting Older

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker

Came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'96,'  she replied: 'Two years younger than me'

'So, you're 98,' the undertaker commented.


 She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

~ ~ ~

Reporters  interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing

about  being 104?' the reporter asked.

She  simply replied, 'No  peer pressure.'

~ ~ ~

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

Istill have my driver's license.

~ ~ ~

I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to

Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,

and perspiredfor an hour..

But, by the time I got my leotards on,

the class was over.

 ~ ~ ~

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and

told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?'  the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

~ ~ ~


 My  memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

~ ~ ~

Know  how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


 ~ ~ ~

It's scary when you start making the same noises

as your coffee maker.

~ ~ ~

These days about half the stuff

In my shopping cart says,

'For fast relief.'


~ ~ ~


 THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senilityto forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

the eyesight to tell the difference.

 
 
 

7 Reasons Not To 
Match Wits
With Children
 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. 
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. 
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' 
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

  A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children wh ile they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. 
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
 

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' 
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

   A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. 
After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' 
From the back,  one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

  
O ne day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair st icking out in contrast on her brunette head. 
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' 
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

  T he children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,   'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

 
 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 
'Yes,' the class said. 
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' 
A little fellow shouted,
 
  'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
  T he children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
 

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. 
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'

  
~~ I t doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.

 

 

 


THE BOTTLE OF WINE

 

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in  Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.

 

Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.  The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.

 

"What in bag?" asked the old Indian.

 

Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine.  I got it for my wife." 

  

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.  Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:

"Good trade . . ..."


Absolutely Weird Humor – But Still Funny

If you're not familiar with the work of Boswell D. Rabbitsmith, He is famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." 

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems: (He also makes his living as a comedian by the name of "Steve Wright"....)

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.  

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.  

3 - Half the people you know are below average.  

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.  

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.  

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.  

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.  

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.  

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.  

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?  

13 - How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?  

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.  

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.  

16 - When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.  

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.  

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.  

19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.  

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?  

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.  

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?  

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."  

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?  

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.  

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.  

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.  

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.  

30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.  

32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.  

33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

 

 


Great, funny jokes from the fifties and sixties

 

 

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man.  The Paramedic asked, "Are you comfortable?”
The man replied, “I make a good living."
      
* I just got back from a pleasure trip.  I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 
    
*I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.  If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
      
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. 

The thief spends less than my wife did.
      
* We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops.
      
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.  My wife calls it the Dead Sea .
     
* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
 
*My Wife was at the beauty shop for 2 hours.  That was only for the estimate.
      
She got a mudpack and looked great for 2 days.  Then the mud fell off.
   
*The Doctor gave a man 6 months to live. 
The man couldn’t pay his bill, so the Doctor gave him another 6 months.
      
*The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." 
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my Arthritis!"

*Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient: "I AM 60!”  Doctor: “See!  What did I tell you?"
      
* A Doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.  The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?”  The Doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 
    
*Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."  Doctor: "Don't answer!"  
      
*A drunk was in front of a Judge.  The Judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking!" 
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
      
*Why do Jewish Divorces cost so much?  They're worth it.
     
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?  They want to.
   
*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is
because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
      
*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. 
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from Law School .
      
*Q:  Why don't Jewish mothers drink?    A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
        
*Q:  Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A:  It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
 
*Q:  Why do Jewish mothers make great Parole Officers?
A:  They never let anyone finish a sentence. 

A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?”  Not too good," said the Mother. 
"I've been very weak."  The son said, "Why are you so weak?" 
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.”  The son said, "That's terrible. 
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?”  The mother answered,
"Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full, in case you should call."  
      
*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had 2 choices for dinner.
Take it or leave it.
      
*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, “What part is it?"  The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
      
*Q:  Where does a Jewish husband hide his money?   A:  Under the vacuum cleaner. 
        
*Q:  How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
A:  (Sigh) "Don't bother.  I'll sit in the dark.  I don't want to be a bother to anybody."
      
* Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
      
*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. 
On the next visit, he wears the brown one.  The mother says,
"What's the matter already?  Didn't you like the blue one?"
      
*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in 3 days."  "Force yourself," she replied.

*Q:  What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
A:  Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

 


After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said: "Darling, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a $45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV but I'm  sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.


How children perceive their Grandparents......

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.


2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"


4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"


5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.


6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."


7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"


8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."


9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."


10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said... "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." (ie: Baby----> Babies )


11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."


12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck...”
A third child brought the argument to a close.” They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."


13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."


14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

 

 


Ole Frank Perfect Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.  He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?”

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman ... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "I don’t know about that. There are always a few dark clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.  He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star.  And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "You make him sound like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh wait, there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything. Not like me I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But ole Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.  But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. I tell you, he was the perfect man! I never heard of him making a mistake!  No one could ever measure up to ole Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife"!


The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

 

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)


'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.


They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.


I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.


Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!

"Laugh uncontrollably, it clears the mind!



A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation

and ate a bacon sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen

to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied,

"Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the

pledge of my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"


IF EVER WE THINK GOD DOESN'T TALK, LISTEN, HEAR US OR HAVE A GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR… THINK AGAIN.

Consumed by my loss, I didn't notice the hardness of the pew where I sat. I was at the funeral of my dearest friend - my mother. 

She finally had lost her long battle with cancer. The hurt was so

intense; I found it hard to breathe at times. 

Always supportive, Mother clapped loudest at my school plays, held a box of tissues while listening to my first heartbreak, comforted me at my father's death, encouraged me in college, and

prayed for me my entire life. 

When mother's illness was diagnosed, my sister had a new baby and my brother had recently married his childhood sweetheart, so it fell on me, the 27-year-old middle female child without entanglements, to take care of her.

I counted it an honor. 

"What now, Lord?" I asked sitting in church. My life stretched out

before me as an empty abyss.  

My brother sat stoically with his face toward the cross while clutching his wife's hand. 

My sister sat slumped against her husband's shoulder, his arms around her as she cradled their child. 

All so deeply grieving, no one noticed I sat alone. 

My place had been with our mother, preparing her meals, helping her walk, taking her to the doctor, seeing to her medication, reading the Bible together. 

Now she was with the Lord. My work was finished, and I was alone. I heard a door open and slam shut at the back of the church. 

Quick footsteps hurried along the carpeted floor. An exasperated young man looked around briefly and then sat next to me. He folded his hands and placed them on his lap. 

His eyes were brimming with tears. He began to sniffle. "I'm late,"

he explained, though no explanation was necessary. 

After several eulogies, he leaned over and commented, "Why do they keep calling Mary by the name of 'Margaret?'" 

"Because, that was her name, Margaret. Never Mary, no one

called her 'Mary,' I whispered.  

I wondered why this person couldn't have sat on the other side of the church. 

He interrupted my grieving with his tears and fidgeting. Who was this stranger anyway?     

"No, that isn't correct," he insisted, as several people glanced over

at us whispering, "her name is Mary, Mary Peters." 

"That isn't who this is."  

Isn't this the Lutheran church?"

"No, the Lutheran church is across the street." 

"Oh." 

"I believe you're at the wrong funeral, Sir." 

The solemnest of the occasion mixed with the realization of the man's mistake bubbled up inside me and came out as laughter.  

I cupped my hands over my face, hoping it would be interpreted

as sobs. The creaking pew gave me away. 

Sharp looks from other mourners only made the situation seem more hilarious. I peeked at the bewildered, misguided man seated beside me. 

He was laughing too, as he glanced around, deciding it was too late for an uneventful exit.

I imagined Mother laughing. At the final "Amen," we darted out a door and into the parking lot. 

"I do believe we'll be the talk of the town," he smiled. He said his

name was Rick and since he had missed his aunt's funeral, asked me out for a cup of coffee. 

That afternoon began a lifelong journey for me with this man who

attended the wrong funeral, but was in the right place. 

A year after our meeting, we were married at a country church where he was the assistant pastor.     

This time we both arrived at the same church, right on time. 

In my time of sorrow, God gave me laughter. In place of loneliness, God gave me love. 

This past June, we celebrated our twenty-second wedding anniversary. 

Whenever anyone asks us how we met, Rick tells them, "Her mother and my Aunt Mary introduced us, and it's truly a match made in heaven." 

If you Love God for all the marvelous things he has done for you, tell others about them.

REMEMBER, God doesn't make mistakes. 

He puts us where we are supposed to be.

 


A young boy lived in the country. His family had to use an outhouse, which the young boy hated. It was hot in the summer, cold in the winter, and always smelly. The outhouse was located near the creek so the boy decided that he would push it into the water. After a spring rain, the creek swelled so the boy pushed it in.

Later that night his dad told him that he and the boy needed to make a trip to the woodshed. The boy knew this meant punishment. He asked his father why to which his dad replied, "Because someone pushed the outhouse into the creek and I think that someone was you. Was it?"

The boy responded that it was. Then he added, "Remember when George Washington's father asked him if he had chopped down the cherry tree? He didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad said, "That is correct, but his father was not in the cherry tree when he cut it down."

 


Subject: To be 8 again!
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

 

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

 

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

 

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a 
chocolate shake.

 

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

 

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again'?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size !!!!'

 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

 

 


How Civilization Came Into Being

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.


The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.

Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals. 2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: many Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are Liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just tick off more liberals...

 

 

 

 


Random Thoughts As We Age

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes;

 

come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven't met yet!
I don't trip over things and fall, I do random gravity checks!

 

I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop making me mad!
Old age comes at a really bad time!

 

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. But now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

 

The biggest lie I tell myself is: "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it”.
My daily prayer is: “Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I screw up”!

 

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance toward idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
Duct tape can't fix stupid! But it does muffle the sound.

 

Why do I have to press one for English when they’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

 

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I came in there.

 

 

 

 


Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion.

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

 

 

 


Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.' 

 

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate
for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you,
NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty
face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humor!'

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife
replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it
that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at
the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The
wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the
man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even
bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining
consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.
'Your horse phoned' 

Let us pray......................
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk   


Al Sharpton was in Sears.  He was there to protest the fact that most all of the washing machines were white.

 

So the clerk called the store manager, who asked, “What’s the problem here, Reverend?”

 

Sharpton pointed at the machines and loudly bemoaned the fact that most of them were white.

 

The manager replied, “Well, Reverend, it's true that most of the washing machines are white, but if you'll open the lids, you'll see that all the agitators are black."

 

Priceless!!

 

 

 


Lexophile...

Some Arrrghs for your viewing pleasure: Lexophile  
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as ; "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is  pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. 

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. 
  
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. 

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

.. The batteries were given out free of charge. 

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
 
.. A will is a dead giveaway. 
 
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. 
 
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat. 
 
.. When you've seen one Shopping Center you've seen a mall. 
  
.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old
  was resisting a  rest. 

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?
  He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. 

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 
  
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
  
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
  
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.    
 
  And the cream of the wretched crop: 

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

   ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN. IT IS CHEAP MEDICINE!!! 

 

 

 


A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable? " The man says, "I make a good living.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.         

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My Wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand? "The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? Because, whatever they cost, they're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.         

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from law school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?*
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.*

A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.         

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?*
A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday.  On the next visit, he wears the brown one. The mother says, What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?*
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

 

 


Your present circumstances don't determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, middle of the road and back of the church.

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the front door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

Peace starts with a smile.

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make

which one you stay home from?

Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage..

He who angers you, controls you!

Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!

The task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us.

The Will of God never takes you to where the grace of God will not protect you.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him/her.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen: 1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.

If this blessed you in a profound way today, share it with a few friends to bless them!

I bet someone else will LOVE it too.

There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

 


 

 

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.
-Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
-Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
-Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
-Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller

 

 

 

 


The Real Laws--Laws they don't teach in Physics

 

1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity 
- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability 
- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers 
- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal, someone always answers.

5.Variation Law 
- If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now. This is also true when you change checkout lines at Walmart, K-Mart and the Grocery store.

6.Law of the Bath   - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7.Law of Close Encounters 
- The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8.Law of the Result 
- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics
 - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena 
- At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law 
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers 
- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces 
-

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument 
- Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance 
- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking - A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
 - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18.Doctors' Law 
- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.



 

 

 

 


God went to the Arabs and said,

“I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.”

The Arabs asked, “What are Commandments?”

And the Lord said, “They are rules for living.”

“Can you give us an example?”

“Thou shall not kill.”

“Not kill?  We're not interested..”

 

So God went to the Blacks and said,

“I have Commandments that will make your lives better.”

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

“Honor thy Father and Mother.”

“Father?  We don't know who our fathers are.

We're not interested.”

 

Then God went to the Mexicans and said,

“I have Commandments that will make your lives better.”

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said “Thou shall not steal.”

“Not steal?  We're not interested.”

 

Then God went to the French and said,

“I have Commandments that will make your lives better.”

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, “Thou shall not commit adultery.”

“Sacre bleu!!!  Not commit adultery?  We're not interested.”

 

Finally, God went to the Jews and said,

“I have Commandments that will make your lives better.”

“Commandments?, they said.  How much are they?”

“They're free.”

“We'll take 10.”

 

There. That, should irritate just about everybody...

 

 

 


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."

 


What Love means to a 4-8 year old...
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds,  'What does love mean?'

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

'When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.' -  Rebecca- age 8  

'When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.' - Billy - age 4

'Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.' -  Karl - age 5

'Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.' - Chrissy - age 6

'Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.' - Terri - age 4

'Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.' -  Danny - age 7

'Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss' - Emily - age 8

'Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.' –  Bobby - age 7     (Wow!)
'If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.' - Nikka - age 6   (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
'Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it every day.'
- Noelle - age 7
'Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other really well.' - Tommy - age 6
'During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.' - Cindy - age 8
'My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.' - Clare - age 6
'Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.' – Elaine age 5
'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.' -  Chris - age 7
'Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.' - Mary Ann - age 4
'I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.' Lauren - age 4
'When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.'     (what an image) -  Karen - age 7
 'Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross.' - Mark - age 6
'You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.' -  Jessica - age 8
And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard , climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'
 

 


Jake, the rancher, went one day
To fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty
And the clouds rolled gray and dense.

 

As he pounded the last staples in
And gathered tools to go,

The temperature had fallen,

The Snow it came and wind began to blow.
 

When he finally reached his pickup,
He felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition
He knew it wouldn't start.

 

So Jake did what most of us
Would do if we'd been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
And sent aloft a prayer.

 

As he turned the key for the very last time,
He softly said,"no luck"
They found him three days later,
Frozen stiff in that old truck.

 

Now Jake had been around in life
And done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked--
It looked just like Wyoming!

 

Of all the saints in Heaven, his favorite was St. Pete.

So they sat and talked a minute, or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping' score--
In Heaven, time is free.

 

'I've always heard,' Jake said to Pete ,
'that God will answer prayer,
But one time I asked for help,
Well, he just plain wasn't there.’

 

'Does God answer prayers of some,
And ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square--
I know all men are brothers.'

 

'Or does he randomly reply,
Without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
The weather or the season.'

 

'Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me--
Just what is the deal?'

 

Peter listened very patiently
And when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, 'So, you're the one!!'

 

"That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
And you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
With hundreds of us trying."

 

"A thousand angels rushed,
To check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake, we hadn't heard
From you in quite a long while."

 

"And though all prayers are answered,
And God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
And started a truck in Minnesota!!!"

 
 
 
 

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH!

 

 

 

 


 

Amazing Grace, How Sweet The Sound!

In my senior years I have taken to playing my guitar and singing at the church now and then. I’ve played at a few senior citizen homes, at friends Christmas parties and in the homes of some folks who are ill and on their last leg, so to speak, and can’t get out much anymore. Recently I was asked by an old preacher friend to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery between Montalba and Cayuga.

As I was not familiar with that part of the back woodsy, east Texas country, and I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. Finally I came around a corner on one of those blacktop roads and there it was. I arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left with the grave still uncovered and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and saw the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play and sing.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played my heart and soul out for this dearly departed man with no family and friends. I sang and picked that old flat top like never before. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept and bawled like nobody’s business.

When I finished, I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I’ve never seen nothing like that before in all my life and I've been putting in septic systems nye on to fifty years."

Apparently I'm still lost, but, like my cuzin Patsy says ....it's a man thing!!!!

 


FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE GOOD GIRLS LIVE.
5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?
15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS SOME ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

 

 

 

 


A Good Doctor’s Advice!


A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Doctor Cameron, I don’t know what to do Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around'"
The Doctor says: "Well, Janet, I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, take a drink of water and start swishing it around in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and revitalized.
She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn’t even speak angrily or touch me roughly even once! It’s like a miracle. Tell me Doc, How does plain water do that?"
The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really no big secret. The water performs no miracle - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

 

 

 


 

 

 

A guy enters a Roman Catholic Church confessional booth in D.C.

 

He tells the priest " Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

 

"Last night, I beat the hell out of an Obama supporter."

 

The priest says, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your

 

community service."

 

 

 


Jay Leno One Liners Poking Fun at the White House!


"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS."

"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his teleprompter took the fifth."

On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all Americans - now we have one."

On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House."

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The doors will be shut in a month."

Concerning the Benghazi , Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember in the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?"

On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything  about the IRS."

"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi : Hope and change the subject."

"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records."

"Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'"

On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their future is bright unless, of course, they want jobs."

On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only other way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi ."

On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House."

"These White House scandals are  not going away anytime soon. It's gotten so bad that People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American."

 

Now the last, and I think best!

 

"When President Obama tells the Russians he will ruin their economy, they had better listen. This guy knows how to ruin an economy."

 


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so
as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.

 

 

 

 


THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS ...
'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. ! 'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, never wore Levis, never set foot on a golf course, never traveled out of state, let alone the country or had a credit card.
In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer.
I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow)
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 12. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a..m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.
I was 21 and a Pvt. In the army stationed at Ft. Bliss, before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some of your rural neighbors weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and lots of boys delivered newspapers-- I delivered a weekly newspaper, every Saturday. The name of the Newspaper was Grit. It cost 10 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 4 cents. He had to walk about five miles each week to deliver and peddle my paper.
On Saturday, I was a rich man. I usually cleared about a buck twenty five. His favorite customers were the ones who gave me a quarter and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who pretended to not be at home when I delivered their paper and sometimes it would take three weeks to collect the thirty or forty cents they owed me. Saturday afternoon I had enough of my commission that I would treat myself sometime to a movie and a box of popcorn. Total cost was 19 cents.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren
Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

 

 

 

 


Lexophile is a term used to describe those who have a love for phrases such as, "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." 

So, here is to all you Lexophiles……

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. 

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

 
 
 

This has to be one of the best singles ads. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to playI love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me....
 
Call(404) 875-6420and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....
 
 
 

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

 


A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.
"On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he too began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm on disability."

For Those Who Understand, No Explanation Is necessary.

For Those Who Do Not Understand, Or, who are offended, No Explanation Is Possible.

 

 

 

 


Ain’t It a Blessing to Be Getting Old!

 

 

 

SEX AT 73

 

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 73.
I'm so happy because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards,
and it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

 

~~~~~

 

Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now, but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."

 

~~~~~

 

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

 

~~~~~

 

Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your glasses.

 

~~~~~

 

The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

 

~~~~~

 

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

 

~~~~~

 

I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.

 

~~~~~

 

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

 

~~~~~

 

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornado's, fires out of control,

 

mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,

 

are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance

 

 ~~~~~

 

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

 

~~~~~

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching

 

over us, go ahead and forget you read this,

 

For the rest of us – copy and paste and pass this on
  ~~~~~

 


Blessed are those who can give without remembering

 

and take without forgetting.

 

 

 

 


THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME

People born before 1946 are called -
 The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -
 The Baby Boomers
.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called -
 Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called -Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?


Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...



Just thought you might want to know "Y"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman:
 Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman:
 Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman:
 I froze to death.

2nd woman:
 How horrible!

1st woman:
 It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. 
What about you?

2nd woman:
 I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. 
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:
 So, what happened?

2nd woman:
 I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:
 Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.  

 

 


Story of the Easter Bunny

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead  Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The  Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..

  "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!

 

 

 


When God sends you help, don't ask questions... 

A lady hurried to the pharmacy to get medication for her daughter,  got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside the car. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said to herself, "I don't know how to use this."  She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP. Within 5 minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

 

 

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

 

He said, "Sure."  He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

 

She hugged the man, and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much!  

You are a very nice man."  

 

The man replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON

yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."  

 

The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

 

 

 


A Country Founded by Geniuses
but Run by Idiots

by Jeff Foxworthy


If you can get arrested
for hunting or fishing without a
license, but not for entering
and remaining in the country illegally,

you might live in a nation
that was founded by geniuses but is

run by idiots.

If you have to get your
parents permission to go on a
field trip or to take an aspirin
in school, but not to get an abortion,
you might live in a
nation that was founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you MUST show your
identification to board an
airplane, cash a check, buy liquor,
or check out a library book and rent a video, but not to vote for
who runs the government you might live in a nation that was
founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If the government wants to
prevent stable, law-abiding
citizens from owning gun magazines
that hold more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets
to the crazy new leaders in Egypt

you might live in a nation
that was founded by geniuses but is

run by idiots.
 

If, in the nation’s largest
city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not one 24-ounce soda,
because 24-ounces of a sugary
drink might make you fat,

you might live in a nation
that was founded by geniuses but is

run by idiots.
 

If an 80-year-old woman or a
three-year-old girl who is
confined to a wheelchair can be
strip-searched by the TSA at the airport, but a woman in a burka or
a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched,

you might live in a nation
that was founded by geniuses but is

run by idiots.
 

If your government believes
that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to
spend trillions more,

you might live in a nation
that was founded by geniuses but is

run by idiots.
 

If a seven-year-old boy can be
thrown out of school for
saying his teacher is cute, but
hosting a sexual exploration or
diversity class in grade school
is perfectly acceptable,

you might live in a nation
that was founded by geniuses but is

run by idiots.
 

If hard work and success are
met with higher taxes and
more government regulation and
intrusion, while not working is rewarded with Food Stamps, WIC
checks, Medicaid benefits, subsidized housing, and free cell phones

you might live in a nation
that was founded by geniuses but is

run by idiots.


 

If the government’s plan for
getting people back to work
is to provide incentives for not
working, by granting 99 weeks of
unemployment checks, without
any requirement to prove that gainful employment was diligently
sought, but couldn’t be found, you might live in a nation that was
founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

If you pay your mortgage
faithfully, denying yourself the
newest big-screen TV, while
your neighbor buys iPhones, time shares, a wall-sized do-it-all
plasma screen TV and new cars, and the government forgives his debt
when he defaults on his mortgage,

you might live in a nation
that was founded by geniuses but is

run by idiots.
 

If being stripped of your
Constitutional right to defend
yourself makes you more safe,
according to the government, you might live in a nation that was
founded by geniuses but is run by idiots.

What a country!

How about we give God a reason
to continue blessing
America!

 

 


 Baptist Cowboy


A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walked into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud. He sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender approached and told the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."


The cowboy replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admited that this was a nice custom, and left it there.


The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in turn.

One day, he came in and only ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fall silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."


The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

..."It hasn't affected my brothers though

 


 

GREAT TRUTHS

1. In my many years I have come to a
    conclusion that one useless man

    is a shame, two is a law firm,

    and three or more is a congress.

    -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper

    you are uninformed, if you do

    read the newspaper you are

    misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And

    suppose you were a member of

    Congress. But then I repeat

    myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to

    tax itself into prosperity is like a

    man standing in a bucket and

    trying to lift himself up by the

    handle. --Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to

    pay Paul can always depend on

    the support of Paul. -- George

    Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a

    great debt to his fellow man,

    which debt he proposes to pay off

    with your money. -- G. Gordon

    Liddy

7. Democracy must be something

    more than two wolves and a sheep

    voting on what to have for

    dinner. --James Bovard, Civil

    Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a

    transfer of money from poor

    people in rich countries to rich

    people in poor countries.

    -- Douglas Case,

    Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.

9. Giving money and power to

    government is like giving whiskey

    and car keys to teenage boys.

    -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction,

      through which everybody

      endeavors to live at the expense

      of everybody else. -- Frederic

      Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the

      economy could be summed up

      in a few short phrases: If it

      moves, tax it.  If it keeps

      moving, regulate it. And if it

      stops moving, subsidize it.

      --Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes.I just watch

      the government and report the

      facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is

      expensive now, wait until you

      see what it costs when it's free!

      -- P. J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government

      consists of taking as much

      money as possible from one

      party of the citizens to give to

      the other. --Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an

      interest in politics doesn't mean

      politics won't take an interest

      in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or

      property is safe while the

      legislature is in session.

      -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap, except when

      Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's

      alimentary canal, with a happy

      appetite at one end and no

      responsibility at the other.

      -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is

      the unequal sharing of the

      blessings.The inherent blessing

      of socialism is the equal sharing

      of misery. --Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a

      tax man and a taxidermist is that

      the taxidermist leaves the skin.

      --Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding

      men from the effects of folly is

      to fill the world with fools.

      -- Herbert Spencer, English
            Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native

      American criminal class, save

      Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are

      more unemployed politicians

      --Edward Langley,
            Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give

      you everything you want, is

      strong enough to take everything

      you have.  -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and

      appoint the great ones to public

     office. -- Aesop

 

 

 

 


Can you believe

They've already built the

Obama Presidential Library...

 

 

...and it's already full of everything he knows!!!!!

 

 

 

 


Test Questions With Their Most Correct Answers

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence
signed? * at the bottom of the page
Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
Q5.. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner
Q7.. What looks like half an apple? * The other half
Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become? * Wet
Q9.. How can a man go eight days without
sleeping? * No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10.. How can you lift an elephant with one
hand? * You will never find an elephant that
has one hand.
Q11.. If you had three apples and four oranges in one
hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what
would you have? * Very large hands
Q12.. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,
how long would it take four men to build it? *No time at 
all, the wall is already built.
Q13.. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor
without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are
very hard to crack.

 

 


The Light Turned Yellow

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."



 

 

 


Why I Am Proud To Be An American

JFK'S  Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when  DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.

DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.  

Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?” 

DeGaulle did not respond.  

 

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of  'empire building' by George Bush.  

He answered by saying: "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”

 

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.  During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room and said:

"Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"

 A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers

have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people;

  1. are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities;
  2. have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day;
  3. can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day; and
  4. they carry half a dozen helicoptersuse in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.

We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?”

 

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries.  Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"  

Without hesitating the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.”

 

Robert  Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.  

"You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.  

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France  previously.  

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."  

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible...Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"  

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then, he quietly explained:

''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to." 

 

If  you are proud to be an American, you have permission to copy and pass this on!

 


Redneck Church

 

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...        

The finance committee refuses to provide  Funds for the purchase of a chandelier because None of the members knows how to play one.   

    

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...        

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the  5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, And what bait was used to catch'em. 

       

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...        

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to  Help take up the offering" and five guys and two Women stand up.       

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...        

Opening day of deer season is recognized as An official church holiday.        

 

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...       

A member of the church requests to be buried In his 4-wheel-drive pickum-up truck because

"It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get  Out of"   

     

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...        

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".        

 

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...        

In a congregation of 500 members, there are Only four last names in the church directory.     

   

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...        

People think "rapture" is what you get when You lift something too heavy.    

   

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...        

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.        

 

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...        

The choir robes were donated by (and Embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.        

 

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....        

The collection plates are really hubcaps from  A '56 Chevy .  

      

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...        

Instead of a bell you are called to service by A duck call.      

  

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .....        

The minister and his wife drive matching pickum-up Trucks.        

 

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...       

"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.    

    

15. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ....        

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come Back now, Ya hear.

 

Smile, God loves you,

 

 

 


The following picture proves a good woman

can bring balance and harmony

to any mans life!

 

 


Frank----         

 

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

 

Passenger: "Who?"

 

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

 

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

 

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

 

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

 

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

 

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

 

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and void traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

 

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

 

Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife

 

 

 


 

The $5.37 Taco Bell Meal

 

$5.37! 
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. 
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. 
Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. 

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
 
"Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? 
A mere child! 
Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. 
Was he blind? 
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. 
Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. 
I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, 
and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! 
What am I now? 
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" 
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! 
It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. 
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. 
What now? 
I checked my keys and tried another. 
Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. 
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus: 
The car seat in the back seat. 
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. 
A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, 
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. 
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! 
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, 
only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, 
and strode back into the restaurant one final time. 
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. 
All I could think was,
"What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? 
At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, 
and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. 
I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. 
He was holding up a drink and a bag. 
His mother explained, 
"I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: 
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. 
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. 
And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. 
I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. 
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home!

 

 

 


Winter Boots

The teacher was helping one of her
pupils put on his
boots. 

He asked for help and she could see why. 

Even with
her pulling, and him pushing,

the
little boots still didn't want to go on. 


By the time they got
the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. 


She almost cried
when the little boy said,

'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.' 


She looked, and sure enough,
they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier

pulling the boots
off, than it
was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together,
they worked to get the boots back on,

this time on the correct feet. 


He then announced,

'These aren't my
boots.' 


She bit her tongue, rather than

get right in his face
and scream, 'Why didn't
you say so?'

like
she wanted to. 


Once again, she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.


No sooner had they got

the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots.

But my Mom made me wear 'em today.' 


Now she
didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what
grace and courage she had left to wrestle
the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat,
she asked,

'Now,
where are your mittens?' 


He said, 'I stuffed 'em in
the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three
years.

 

 

 


First The Apple

 

 A woman  ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt. 

 

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; Wow, just look at our cars!  There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

 

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

 

The man replied, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

 

The woman continued, And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break.

 

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. Then she hands the bottle to the man.

 

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle,

 

immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

 

The man asks, Aren't you having any?

 

She replies, Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.

 

Adam ate the apple too! Men will never learn

 

 

 


 

 

 

 


YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT INTERESTED IN USED FARM EQUIPMENT; 
BUT, YOU
 MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIG'S LIST:

 

 


FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - Only $1(WASHINGTON, DC )

(Not exactly, but similar in appearance to one in the photo, but does better job of spreading manure)
Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can sling manure for amazing distances. I had hoped to retire this manure spreader this past November. Unfortunately, it's still available and working order...

Never-the-less, I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C.

 


 

And speaking of manure……..

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 

'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke; and, I haven't got any money!'' She then proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it wide open... 

''Don't be too hasty!'' he said.  ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' 
And with that, he emptied a bucket of dried horse manure onto her hallway carpet. 

''Now, if this  vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning." 

 

 


A  DC airport ticket agent offers some examples 

 

of  'why' our country is in  trouble:   
  
 1.   I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol  Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so  that her  hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the  window. (On an airplane!)    
  
 2.   I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore)  staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the  length of the flight and the passport  information, and  then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to  make you look stupid, but  Capetown is in  Massachusetts....'' 
  
 Without  trying to make him look stupid, I calmly  explained, ''Cape  Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa''   
 his  response -- click.    
  
 3.   A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders)  called, furious about a Florida  package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation  in Orlando. He said he was expecting  an ocean-view room. I tried t o explain that's not  possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the  state.
  
 He  replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map  and Florida is a very thin state!''  
  
 4.   I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra  Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England  from Canada ?''
  
 I  said, ''No.''
  
 She  said, ''But they look so close on the map.''    
  
 5.   An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano)  once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.I  pulled up the reservation and noticed he had  only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked  him why he
wanted  to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a  big airport, and we will need a car to drive  between gates  to save time.'' (Aaarghhh) 
  
 6.   An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how  it was  possible that her flight from Detroit left at  8:30 a.m, and got to Chicago at 8:33  a.m.
  
 I  explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of  Illinois, but she couldn't  understand   the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her  the plane went fast, and she bought  that.    
  
 7.   A New York lawmaker, (JerroldNadler) called and  asked, ''Do airlines put your physical  description on  your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to  whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you  ask?'
  
 He  replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the  airline, they put a tag on my  luggage that  said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's  very rude!''
  
 After  putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked  into it. (I was dying laughing). I came  back and  explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT  - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline  was just  putting a destination tag on his  luggage.   
  
 8.   A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called  to inquire about a trip package to  Hawaii. After  going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would  it be cheaper to fly to California and  then take the train to Hawaii?''    
  
 9.   I just got off the phone with a freshman  Congressman, Bobby Bright  from AL who  asked, ''How  do I know which plane to get on?''
  
 I  asked him what exactly he meant, to which he  replied, ''I was told my flight number is  823, but  none of these planes have that number on  them.''    
  
 10.   Senator DianneFeinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.Do  I have to get on one of those little computer  planes?''  
 I  asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a  commuter plane.
   She  said, ''Yeah, whatever,  smarty!''     
  
 11.  Mary Landrieu, La. Senator called and had a  question about the documents she  needed in  order to fly to China. After a lengthy  discussion about passports, I reminded her that  she   needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to  China many times and never had to have one of  those.'' 
  
 I  double checked and sure enough, her stay  required a visa. When I told her this she  said, ''Look,  I've been to China four times and every time  they have accepted my American  Express!''   
  
 12.  A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to  make reservations, ''I want to go  from Chicago  to Rhino, New York.''
  
 I  was at a loss for words. Finally, I said,

 

''Are  you sure that's the name of the  town?''
  
 'Yes,  what flights do you have?'' replied the  man.
  
 After  some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry,  sir, I've looked up every airport  code in  the country and can't find a rhino  anywhere."
  
 ''The  man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone  knows where it is. Check your map!''
  
 So  I scoured a map of the state of New York and  finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do  you?''
  
 The  reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big  animal.''
  
 Now  you know why the Government is in the shape that  it's in!

 

 


 

Perks of reaching 50 
Or being over 60 
And heading towards 
70 or beyond! 

1. 
Kidnappers are not very 
interested in you.

2. 
In a hostage situation,
you are likely to be released first. 

3. 
No one expects you to run -- 
anywhere.

4. 

People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask, 
'Did I wake you?'

5. 
People no longer view you as a 
hypochondriac.

6. 
There is nothing left 
to learn the hard way.

7. 
Things you buy now     will
never wear out.

8. 
You can eat 
supper at 4 PM.

9.

 

You can live without sex 
but not your glasses.

10. 
You get into heated arguments 
about pension plans.

11. 
You no longer think of speed limits 
as a challenge.

12. 
You quit trying to hold
your stomach in no matter who walks 
into the room. 

13. 
You sing along 
with elevator music.

14. 
Your eyes won't get 
much worse.

15. 
Your investment in health insurance 
is finally beginning to pay off. 

16. 
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists 
than the national weather service.

17. 
Your secrets are safe with your friends 
because they can't remember them either.

18. 
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to 
a manageable size. 

19. 
You can't remember

 

 

 


Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'

Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were crammingfor their finals.
Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life,

Because Life is a journey to be savored.

Gentle Thoughts for Today -
Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then Poop on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

 

 


A Baptist Dog

 

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog.
Ever mindful of their congregation, they knew that the dog 
should also be a Baptist.

 

They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs.

 

Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he 
had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog 
to meet the pastor and his wife.

 

"Fetch the Bible," he commanded.

 

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, 
located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.

 

"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.

 

The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing 
marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and 
finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.

 

The pastor and his wife were very impressed and 
purchased the dog.

 

That evening, a group of church members came to visit.

 

The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, 
having him locate several Bible verses.

 

The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, 
"Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

 

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his 
finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.

 

The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw 
on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.

 

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, 
"Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!!!"

 

 

 

 


I Owe My Mother

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2.My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
”You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!!!
But, there is one missing from this list ~~ My personal all time favorite!!

My mother taught me about CHOICE
.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"

 

 


A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening News:    

 

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.    

 

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.    

 

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."    

 

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."      

 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.  I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,  'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.

                   -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jim my Carter)   

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' 

- Eleanor Roosevelt   

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain   

 

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns   

 

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge   

 

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain   

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates   

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx   

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she to stop to breathe.

- Jim my Durante   

 

I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor   

 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine   

 

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield   

  

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Lee

 


If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous

erudite scientist and humorist who once said: "I woke up one morning, 

and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do. 

  
  Here are some of his gems:

  1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

  3 - Half the people you know are below average.

  4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

  7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

  9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,  But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.  So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of  the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

            And the all-time favorite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

 

 

 


Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said, "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately . . . 
------------------------------------------------------------ 
The reason  politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to  try to make a living under the laws they've passed. 
Ain't that the  truth!!!
------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on  the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
 The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
 As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit  card. 
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please. 
And . . . men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 
------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and  friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you  like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives..."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'" 
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  
The Lord  replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks,"Can I have a penny?"
 The Lord replies, "In a minute." 
 ----------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request dear," he said.
 "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
 But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
 With his last breath John said, "I do!" 
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
 The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

 The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
 The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning
me, what should  I do?"
 The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said,"Yes!"
And the Rabbi  replied, "Take the poison..."

 

 

 

 


For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. 

Watch for these consolidations in 2014: 

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. 

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants. 

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! 

And finally....Well, actually, because it is a merge of:

9. Victoria Secret and Smith & Wesson, you will have to use your imagination at the name that is being suggested. Here is a hint:

T_ _ _ _, T_ _ _ _, B_ _ _, B_ _ _

 

 

 


LIFE AFTER DEATH

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.

"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.

"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!” 

PALM SUNDAY 

IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER.  WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."

"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"  

CHILDREN'S SERMON 

ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG.  HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?"

"I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "  

SUPPORT A FAMILY 

THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"

THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES." 

FIRST TIME USHERS 

A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY - I'M UNDER FIVE." 

CLIMB THE WALLS 

"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID   TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."

THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS.  "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.

"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED. 

THE WATER PISTOL 

WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL ... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.

I WAS  NOT  SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"

MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!" 

GRANDMA'S AGE  

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."

JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

 

 

 

 

 


Hysterical Air Tower Instructions   
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"  
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" 
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?" 
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff?"
  
=========================================================

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.  
San Jose Tower Noted:  "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."  
=========================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the Bloody War!"
  
=========================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."
  
=========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said:  "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:  "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
  
=========================================================  
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" 
 
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird
 206: (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
  


While taxiing at London 'S Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.  Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  An irate female ground controller lashed out at the  US Air crew, screaming:  
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
  
"Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am,"
 the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
  
 
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

 

 

 


Old Blue

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college to the University of Texas. Half way through the Semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. 

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is Developing! They actually have a program here in  U.T. That will teach Our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!" 

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that Program?" 
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get Him in the course." 

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. 

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "But you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" 

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" 

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." 

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. 

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to hear him talk and to see him read something!" 

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading Shakespeare, like he usually does.

Suddenly he stopped reading, turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that pretty, little chick who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that SOB before he tells lies like that to 
your mother!" 

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!" 

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in the Obama administration in Washington.

 

 

 

 

 

 


6-year-olds

 

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each

 

child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come

 

up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by

 

first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these

 

are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!



 

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that:- Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

Said the dad: "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they

went?"


 

FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED . INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN .

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.  

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.  

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.  

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC  GENITALS.  

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.  

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.  

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .  

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS .  

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.  

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU  SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.  

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLEOF GERITOL.  

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.  

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.  

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.  

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.  

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.  

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.  

18. ST. JOHN THE  BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.  

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.  

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.  

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.  

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.  

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.  

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.  

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

 


 

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

The woman stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car, and

Found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at the

Coat hanger, and said, "I don't know how to use this." The woman bowed her

Head, and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes, a bearded man wearing a skull cap pulled up on an old

Motorcycle. The man got off of his mortorcycle and asked if he could help. The

Woman replied, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I

Must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

The man nodded his head, walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the

Car was open. The woman hugged the man, and through tears said, "Thank You so

Much. You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of

Prison yesterday, I was in prison for car theft." Still sobbing, the woman

Hugged the man again and said, "Oh, thank you God. You even sent me a

Professional."


ABSOLUTELY PRICELESS
 
An Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
 
 

1.
Don't change horses
until they stop running.
2.
Strike while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always darkest before
Daylight Saving Time.
4.
Never underestimate the power of
termites.
5.
You can lead a horse to water but
how?
6.
Don't bite the hand that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible.
8.
A miss is as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't teach an old dog new
math.
10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
stink in the morning.
11.
Love all, trust
me.
12.
The pen is mightier than the
pigs.
13.
An idle mind is
the best way to relax.
14.
Where there's smoke there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the bride who
gets all the presents.
16.
A penny saved is
not much.
17.
Two's company, three's
the Musketeers.
18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
you put on to go to bed.
19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
you have to blow your nose.
20.
There are none so blind as
Stevie Wonder.
21.
Children should be seen and not
spanked or grounded.
22.
If at first you don't succeed
get new batteries.
23.
You get out of something only what you
see in the picture on the box.
24.
When the blind lead the blind
get out of the way.
25.
A bird in the hand
is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late than
pregnant.
 
 

 

 

 

 

 


 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise point. Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.

" You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Dave must have experienced.

" Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.

" All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Dave." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 


 

On Being Sick and Tired!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went  through so he prayed:

Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners, stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries.

While he rested he paid the bills and balanced the check book. Then he cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Realizing, it was already 1 P.M. he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Then He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Upon arriving back at home, to stop the kids from bickering, he set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded and put away the laundry, bathed the kids and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. However, you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


 

Subject: Founded by geniuses - run by idiots

 

  • If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally … you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion … you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.  
  • If you have to show  identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a  library book, but not to vote who runs the government … you might live in a  country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If the government wants to  ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten  rounds, but gives 20 F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt … you  might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat … you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If an 80-year-old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched … you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more … you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher is “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable … you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If children are forcibly removed from parents who discipline them with spankings while children of addicts are left in filth and drug infested “homes”… you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion, while  not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized  housing, and free cell phones … you might live in a country founded by  geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If the government’s plan for getting people  back to work is to establish an incentive for NOT working by giving them 99 weeks of Unemployment checks and no requirement to prove they applied but can’t find work … you might live  in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 
  • If you pay your  mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big screen TV while your  neighbor buys iPhones, TV’s and new cars, and the government forgives his debt  when he defaults on his mortgage … you might live in a country founded by  geniuses but run by idiots.
  • If being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government … you might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots.

What a country!!!!

 


 

Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
********
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
********
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
**********
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 13 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts;
have bouts with dementia;
have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
*********
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape;
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour, but, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
*********
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
**********
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
************
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
**********
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief"
**********
THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference..
***********
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

 


 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...

You can get arrested for expired tags

on your car but not for being in

the country illegally.


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...

You have to have your parents signature

to go on a school field trip but not to

get an abortion.


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...

An 80 year old woman can be stripped searched

 

by the TSA but a Muslim woman in a burka is only

subject to

having her neck and head searched.

====================================

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...


Your government believes that the best way to

eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend

trillions more of our money.
=======

=============================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...


A seven year old boy can be thrown out of school

for calling his teacher "cutie" but hosting a sexual

exploration/sexual diversity class in grade school

is perfectly acceptable.


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...


The Supreme Court of the United States can rule

that lower courts cannot display the 10

Commandments in their courtroom,

while sitting in front of a display of the 10

Commandments.


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...


Children are forcibly removed from parents who

appropriately discipline them while children of

"underprivileged" drug

addicts are left to rot in filth infested

cesspools of a home.


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...

Hard work and success are rewarded with higher

taxes and government intrusion, while slothful,

lazy behavior is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC

checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing, and free

cell phones.


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...


The government's plan for getting people back to

work is to provide 99 weeks of unemployment

checks (to not work).


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...


Being self-sufficient is considered a threat to the government.


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...

Politicians think that stripping away the

amendments to the constitution is protecting the

rights of the people.


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...

The rights of the Government come before the

rights of the individual.


====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...


You pay your mortgage, and deny yourself the

newest big screen TV or latest gadgets. But, your

neighbor defaults on his mortgage while buying

iPhones, TV's and new cars, and the government

forgives his debt and reduces his mortgage with

your tax dollars.
====================================

 

You know you live in a Country

run by idiots if...


Being stripped of the ability to defend yourself

makes you "safe".

 

 

 


 

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside

Washington, DC.


Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're

asking for a $100 million dollar ransom.


Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set

them on fire.


We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.


The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

 

 


 

It's Not Easy being a Court Reporter
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


 

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.


Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now


 

Christian One Liners

Don't let your worries get the best of you;

 

Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

 


Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited

 

Until you try to sit in their pews.

 


Many folks want to serve God,
 

 

But only as advisers. 


It is easier to preach ten sermons 

 

Than it is to live one.


The good Lord didn't create anything without a

purpose,


But mosquitoes come close.


When you get to your wit's end,


You'll find God lives there.


People are funny; they want the front of the bus,


Middle of the road,


And back of the church.


Opportunity may knock once,


But temptation bangs on the front door forever.

 
Quit griping about your church; 


If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

 


If a church wants a better pastor,


It only needs to pray for the one it has.


We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.


God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until


he is dead. So why should you?

 
Some minds are like concrete
 


Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


Peace starts with a smile.
 


I don't know why some people change churches;


What difference does it make which one you stay

 

home from?


Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

 
Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.


Coincidence is when God chooses to remain

 

anonymous.


Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

 
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

 
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
 


God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the

 

called. 


God grades on the cross, not the curve.

 
God loves everyone,


But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over

 

'religious nuts!'


God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage..


He who angers you, controls you!
 

 
If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
 


Prayer:


Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
 

 
The task ahead of us is never as


great as the Power behind us.
 


The Will of God never takes you to where the


Grace of God will not protect you.
 


We don't change the message,


The message changes us.
 


You can tell how big a person is


By what it takes to discourage him/her.

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:


1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
 


If this blessed you in a profound way today,


Copy and share it with a few friends to bless them!
 


I bet someone else will LOVE it too.

 
There is no greater treasure than a good friend!

 

 


 

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.
As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!”

 


Sign in church parking lot: "Clergy parking space - you park - you preach"
Balanced budget - when the money in the bank and days of the month come out together.
Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Bride: The two best things I cook are meatloaf and apple dumplings. Groom: Well, which is this?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
A budget is a schedule for going into debt systematically.
The trouble with your children is that when they're not being a lump in your throat, they're being a pain in your neck.
A chrysanthemum by any other name would be easier to spell.I heard one department store in the area is going to have two Santa's this year - one will be an express line for kids who want nine toys or less.
The second day of a diet is easier than the first - by the second day, you're off of it.

Perhaps the best way to curb high school dropouts would be to make a
high school diploma a prerequisite for obtaining a driver's license


Diplomacy is telling your boss he has an open mind instead of telling him he has holes in his head.
Diplomats tell lies to journalists and then believe what they read.
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A dentist is a person who runs a filling station.
Sign on church nursery - "All babies are subject to change without notice"
The cruelest thing you can hear on a party fishing boat: "That's a nice fish you caught. Can I use it for bait?
At one time everybody thought the world was flat - then they decided it was round - today we all know it's crooked.
When he gives a check to charity, he doesn't sign it - says he wants to keep his contribution anonymous.
The barber gave me a tonic and swore that my hair would grow in heavy - I now have one hair,but it weighs 12 pounds.
My bank is in real trouble - I tried to make a withdrawal from an ATM and got an IOU.

 


 

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like

it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it

all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys

have something to say if you listen long enough.

-- Lynnette, age 8


On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough

to go for a second date.

-- Martin, age 10

6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

 

When they're rich.

-- Pam, age 7


The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids

with them. It's the right thing to do.

- - Howard, age 8


7.IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

-- Anita, age 9(bless you child )


8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is...

9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

-- Ricky, age

 

 


 

Why wives shouldn't go hunting!

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos, Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her,"If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

 


 

Why People Should Love All Us Old Folks

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks..
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

____________________________________________________

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,

'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

____________________________________________________

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
___________________________________________________

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

____________________________________________________

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

__________________________________________________

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 


 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:___________________

 

Men Are Just Happier People --

 

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

 

Your last name stays put.

 

The garage is all yours.

 

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

 

Chocolate is just another snack.

 

You can be President.

 

You can never be pregnant.

 

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

 

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

 

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

 

The world is your urinal.

 

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

 

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

 

Same work, more pay.

 

Wrinkles add character.

 

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

 

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

 

One mood all the time.

 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 

You know stuff about tanks.

 

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 

You can open all your own jars.

 

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 

If someone forgets to invite you,

 

He or she can still be your friend.

 

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

 

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

 

You almost never have strap problems in public.

 

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

 

Everything on your face stays its original color.

 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

 

You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

You can play with toys all your life.

 

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

 

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

 

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

 

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

 

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

 

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

No wonder men are happier.


Men Are Just Happier People

 


 


NICKNAMES

 

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.


If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.


When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

 

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.


The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

 

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't..

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (Really...)

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same

thing!

 

 

 

 


 

alt

 

 

FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1( WASHINGTON , DC )

Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya . Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii . Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard.. Apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the

years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can sling @#!*% for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader this November. I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it

for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution.

Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington , D.C.

 


 

I Love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me...

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.


HOLY HUMOR

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1.. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2.. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3.. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4.. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.."

 

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

 

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23 .

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm.

After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.  

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

 These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,

'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


  1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

    You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
    - Alan, age 10

    No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
    - Kristen, age 10
  2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? ---THE BEST ONE---
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 favourite is .......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
- Ricky, age 10


Why go to Church?

If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this!   If you're

spiritually dead, you won't want to read it. If you're spiritually

curious, there is still hope!

Why Go To Church?

A Church go'er wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.

"I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them.. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals.   But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this.. They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!" When you are DOWN to nothing..... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!  

All right, now that you're done reading, copy and email it to your friends!  

"When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, "Jesus, could you get that for me?”


Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's suit".

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several tripping circles and cord jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel was not interested in the sermon and found other ways to amuse himself. He giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife